Every Hour

I am in land of torture. 

My Radiation Oncologist was on vacation for two weeks and after raising a litttle hell I was given 3 days of steroids for my Bladder / BM issues.  Those days made Friday - Sunday and part of Monday incredible for me.  It wasn't perfect by any means but I felt better than I had since Aug 7th. 

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  Now, I am residing in a living hell.  I now sense the urgency to urinate every hour. I thought I was going to be able to sleep tonight.  I had a drink, waited for more than an hour used the restroom and headed to bed.   Almost to the hour I was awake and making sure I was headed back to the restroom.  i returned to bed.  

One hour later, I found myself moving again to head to the restroom. This time I decided to use my smartphone to play a few games and then watch a video.  3am hit and guess where I was headed ?   If you didn't guess right, you aren't paying attention.  I have an appointment with a Palliative Care Doctor on Thursday.  I really hope she can provide some assistance.  

At this point in time I am beginning to wonder how it must feel to sleep for more than one hour.  I have to wonder how good modern medicine is because I sure get the feeling that the medical profession has no idea what the treatments do to a person. 

I found myself yesterday staring at my computer and wondering what I needed to do.  I was staring at Facebook.   

I have my dream to chase - publish my poetry,  start a business but both of those seem so far off right now.  I keep on pushing myself but the ability to be coherent even in my thoughts seems to fade so quickly.   I have a guy in town that has reviewed my business plan and wants to move forward.  i am so excited by this small development as my entire life goal since I was 21 is to own a business.   I have a ton of stuff to work on as we move forward but then have to realize at the moment my life is not mine.  

I have always attempted to learn a lesson through events of my life.  Not sure what failing to sleep is supposed to teach me.  Maybe the lesson is that I can continue to work on my dream no matter how exhausted I am as long as I depend on God.  To not bother Crystle, I think I am going to attempt to sleep on the couch.  My favorite medicine for knocking me out is calling me ... NyQuil... none available to me now but I will have some by bedtime Tuesday evening.   Scratch that - Wednesday evening.