I am in land of torture.
My Radiation Oncologist was on vacation for two weeks and after raising a litttle hell I was given 3 days of steroids for my Bladder / BM issues. Those days made Friday - Sunday and part of Monday incredible for me. It wasn't perfect by any means but I felt better than I had since Aug 7th.
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Now, I am residing in a living hell. I now sense the urgency to urinate every hour. I thought I was going to be able to sleep tonight. I had a drink, waited for more than an hour used the restroom and headed to bed. Almost to the hour I was awake and making sure I was headed back to the restroom. i returned to bed.
One hour later, I found myself moving again to head to the restroom. This time I decided to use my smartphone to play a few games and then watch a video. 3am hit and guess where I was headed ? If you didn't guess right, you aren't paying attention. I have an appointment with a Palliative Care Doctor on Thursday. I really hope she can provide some assistance.
At this point in time I am beginning to wonder how it must feel to sleep for more than one hour. I have to wonder how good modern medicine is because I sure get the feeling that the medical profession has no idea what the treatments do to a person.
I found myself yesterday staring at my computer and wondering what I needed to do. I was staring at Facebook.
I have my dream to chase - publish my poetry, start a business but both of those seem so far off right now. I keep on pushing myself but the ability to be coherent even in my thoughts seems to fade so quickly. I have a guy in town that has reviewed my business plan and wants to move forward. i am so excited by this small development as my entire life goal since I was 21 is to own a business. I have a ton of stuff to work on as we move forward but then have to realize at the moment my life is not mine.
I have always attempted to learn a lesson through events of my life. Not sure what failing to sleep is supposed to teach me. Maybe the lesson is that I can continue to work on my dream no matter how exhausted I am as long as I depend on God. To not bother Crystle, I think I am going to attempt to sleep on the couch. My favorite medicine for knocking me out is calling me ... NyQuil... none available to me now but I will have some by bedtime Tuesday evening. Scratch that - Wednesday evening.